1. Always work from a list
2. Get specific: Ask your wife if there are certain brands that she must have. If she doesn’t specify a brand, then just buy an inexpensive one, whether it’s a generic or a name brand on
sale!
3. Navigate the maze: Don’t use products at the ends of aisles as indicators of what’s farther down the aisle. There’s usually no connection whatsoever. The signs hanging above the aisle are your only indicator of what’s down each one. Also, if you’re looking for bargains, try the “squat and stretch” method of looking down low or up high. Those less desirable product placements tend to harbor better deals.
4. Home field advantage; Always shop at the same store your wife uses. She’ll be familiar with what products they carry.
5. Don’t shop hungry; Always eat before you shop.
6. Timing is everything: If you want to beat the crowds, the best times to go shopping are usually very early or very late. Late afternoons are usually bad, and weekends will be the worst.
7. Stay connected: Always bring a cell phone with you when you go shopping. If you’re feeling faint, or something is out of stock, you can call the wife for support.
8. The produce problem: Picking good fruit and vegetables can be tough. As a general rule, look for brightly colored produce that smells fresh. It’s broken down into two classes, the firm and the forgiving. Firm produce, like broccoli, peppers,
apples, potatoes, and so on, should feel solid with no soft spots. Forgiving produce, like tomatoes, citrus fruits, bananas, and the like, should give a little when squeezed but still feel solid. And just so you know, a cantaloupe is ripe when it has a strong sweet aroma, a golden color underneath the “webbing” on the rind, and a soft but not squishy stem end.
9. The checkout challenge; Selecting the best checkout line is the key to the entire shopping experience. Keep in mind that the shortest line is not always the best. You don’t want to get stuck behind people who are distracted or confused, who demand to find the exact change buried deep inside their purses, or who pay by check. That usually means avoiding lines with old ladies, women rooting through their purses, or anyone with children in tow. You’re ideally looking for a line with single people, mostly men. In particular, look for people who’ve already got their debit cards out. Finally, use the express line whenever possible. Keep in mind that multiples are combined together, so a dozen donuts only counts as one item (finally).
10. Point-of-purchase protocol: While you’re waiting in line, avoid long all the women’s magazines. And keep in mind, if you suddenly find yourself overcome with dread over aliens infiltrating the Defense Department, homeless mutant zombies, or giant babies, you may want to confirm those stories by checking sources more credible than The Weekly World News.
